Local 26-year-old resident, Preston Peterson, told sources that he is “really fucking confused.” Apparently, Mr. Peterson purchased a new handheld GPS device, which he attempted to use to navigate to a new local restaurant. Mr. Peterson was excited to learn that… Read More ›
the onion
Concussions: Can other sports catch up?
As concussion rates continue to rise among football players, other sports are beginning to feel the pressure to catch up. In order to help promote more concussions, the National Concussion Advocacy Program (NCAP) has proposed several changes for other popular… Read More ›
Self-absorbed attractive woman realizes other people exist
Charlotte Mora, an attractive yet self-absorbed individual, was “shocked” and “mortified” to learn that other people actually exist in the world, and that most of them “are pretty ugly.” She told sources that she “really hopes this is just… Read More ›
Local Mexican man hires himself to do his own landscaping
Local Mexican man, Jose Pichardo, told sources, “I require yard work done, but I don’t know anyone to hire.” Once he realized that he’s actually a landscaper, he hired himself. Image attribution: “Flickr landscapers 018-2013-05-17” by Tim Evanson. This… Read More ›
7 things we learned from Malaysian missing flight
The Beijing-bound Malaysia Airlines flight 370, which recently disappeared somewhere over Southwest Asia, has spurred a dialogue between top Malaysian Airline executives and FAA officials to improve airline safety standards. The following changes are currently being signed into action:… Read More ›
Research confirms that dinosaurs were just really ugly people
Lead paleontologist at the University of Chicago, Dr. Robert Coleman, reported at a recent press conference that animals of the clade Dinosauria were nothing more than just really ugly people. Dr. Coleman stated that his research team looked at countless… Read More ›
2016 Summer Olympics
The 2016 Summer Olympics are set to be held in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil; however, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) is reevaluating this decision. Thomas Bach, president of the IOC, stated that he was just alerted to the fact that… Read More ›